Before I begin, I should say that if you are unhappy with your life, you should see a specialist. If your body hurts, see a physiotherapist or a doctor. If you have symptoms of a mental health condition, even mild ones, you can see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Specialists can help you work through your problems.
Find people like you and ask who has helped them. Here is one possible avenue if you are struggling with giftedness: https://fundacionjason.org/.
That does not prevent me from offering my opinion on one possible path — in this case, for adults. Children are another matter. Each person must find their own way through introspection and feedback. Life is a gift, and we should try to live it as well as we can.
Since appearing on the JuegoConSentido podcast, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtLdGbPjoFA, people have contacted me to ask what I have done to try to take control of my life. I will share a few ideas in case they help anyone focus their own. I am very happy with my life now, with its ups and downs, but that has not always been the case. We all have flaws, and we need to learn to live with them, soften them or make them work in our favour.
Obviously, someone who is outgoing and manages well may find everything I am about to say wrong, or at least questionable. Everyone can try what they wish.
As a friend of mine says, “a duck is not a sheep”. We are different people with different abilities and interests. Do not compare yourself too much. If you want to be like someone else, remember that you could not simply keep the best bits: you would get the whole package, including the bad.
If you know you are gifted and have difficulties relating to people, and those difficulties show, it seems sensible to try to build useful models that make life satisfying. I would approach it as an entirely practical exercise: read the world and try to live well in it.
As with any process, there is an as-is — the starting point — a to-be — where I want to get to — and the effort, discipline and sacrifice, with bumps along the way, needed to get there.
Let us start by imagining that some, or all, of these circumstances apply:
- You act impulsively. Even when you know that what you are about to say will cause problems, you say it.
- You feel excluded when you are with a group. You tend to be intense and try to join in by correcting others or adding a precise detail that nobody values. You are a pain, and you know it!
- You are bored by things that matter to other people: watching sport, gossip, superficial conversations or the details of everyday events recalled from the past.
- When you work on something you love, you lose track of the effort and hours. When you dislike a task, the day feels endless and you do not pay attention to details. You may even have problems at work. You struggle in both directions.
- You are very disorganised, although your disorder makes a certain sense to you.
- Social interaction exhausts you, yet you feel lonely and seek it out.
- You take jokes badly and think people are laughing at you, although you enjoy making jokes yourself.
- You value people you admire and undervalue those who are not particularly brilliant.
- You clash with rules, and even authority, when you cannot see their point.
- You have thousands of ideas but never get round to putting them into practice.
- You have few partners, or your relationships do not last long.
Relax. This does not happen only to you; it happens to many people. Your brain simply works differently from that of most “normal” people.
The problem is that you neither feel happy nor make the most of your giftedness, because you keep sabotaging yourself.
Imagine you are a vampire in a world of humans. However much you want to live in society, you are a vampire. Yet, seen from the right perspective, a vampire has both superpowers and limitations.
A skilful, disciplined vampire can live in society, provided they do not reveal what they really are. If they see blood and fail to control their impulses, however, they may be discovered. Garlic, silver, crosses and even daylight hurt them, so they must live at unusual hours and find compatible work. They are fast and strong, so they cannot become an athlete: they would be discovered. They cannot stay in one place for too long because they do not age, and people might find out. They have lived for hundreds of years but cannot boast about what they know or the relics they own.
If you think of yourself as a vampire, or an alien like the one in Resident Alien, and set yourself a worthwhile goal, perhaps you can take the steps towards the satisfying life you long for but cannot find. You have to learn to blend into your surroundings, and to understand that things which seem to be in your nature — and can be adapted — may lead you to ruin.
Here are some guidelines I try to follow:
Imagine your ideal situation five years from now and try to make a plan. Write it down and set out steps or stages to get there gradually, focusing for a few months on one particular thing: stepping back from socialising, returning to it, choosing silence, changing mental associations, active listening, empathy, exercise, study, better sleep, new hobbies and so on. Once you have completed the first stage and spent time focusing on each thing separately, it will be easier to begin another stage in which you bring everything together. Do not rush. Allow yourself several attempts. Who is in a hurry?
1 — Begin with a voluntary, varied social diet. If you know you are intense, ration the time you spend with the same people. Do not always have breakfast or lunch with the same group until you can control your impulses. Taking up several hobbies lets you spend time with different groups without wearing yourself or them out. In my case, I “only” cycle, ride a motorbike, climb, run, shoot clay pigeons and fish… It is important not to compare yourself with others. Simply enjoy the process of improving from scratch.
2 — Listen more than you speak. The more you say, the more mistakes you make. Do not try to measure your intelligence or worth by proving that you know more than others or that your arguments are better. The social world runs more on empathy than truth. Before speaking, ask yourself: “What am I trying to achieve by saying this? What effect will it have on the person I am speaking to?” Try to make your words more beautiful than your silences.
3 — Tell “almost” nobody about your problems. The past is the past. Do not let it weigh you down any longer. Negative things you say about yourself can turn against you, either because people use them or because reliving them anchors you to negative messages. Confide some things only to your doctor or coach, at least until you learn to laugh at yourself and other people’s words no longer hurt you.
4 — Learn to laugh at yourself and make small talk. If you can laugh at yourself, other people’s words will affect you less. Few things truly matter; keep them in perspective. If what others say throws you off balance, you will struggle to function. Move away from people who make you feel bad, even family, and towards those who make you feel good. Buy books about conversation and making friends: these are skills you can practise. https://www.amazon.es/Conversaciones-Triviales-Introvertidos-Construir-Relaciones/dp/1647486432. Over time, you may also discover that you do not need quite so many “friends”.
5 — Do not keep trying to fix the lives of those close to you. If you enjoy solving puzzles, it is almost inevitable that you will suggest solutions when people tell you their problems. You may even point out problems you believe they have but cannot see. Usually, they do not want your solutions: they want to let off steam or feel heard. If you cannot help yourself because you feel obliged, do it only once.
6 — Teach. Your specialist subject will bring you recognition. You will have opportunities to meet people who appreciate your knowledge and advice. Before you begin, however, limit the time you will spend on each conversation, or you may become tiresome. When teaching, you may also meet people whose ways of behaving are closer to yours, and find companions for the journey.
7 — Try to shine in whatever you are asked to do. If you approach life as a game, you can use any activity as a challenge through which to acquire skills for the future. Even the most tedious project can help you improve your discipline — using Pomodoro sessions, avoiding procrastination and taking action — learn to use your tools better, which there is never time for, or practise different ways of interacting socially: avoiding cynicism and irony, communicating less directly and so on.
8 — Choose a subject that interests you and give it unlimited time. I do not mean games consoles or watching rubbish on social media. Success comes to those who “do”. If the thing you give unlimited time to coincides with your work, you will soon stand out and money will not be a problem. If it does not, you will look forward to spending time with yourself and the challenge. You will feel less anxious about socialising, and less anxious after having socialised.
9 — Exercise every day, without becoming obsessive. Try different sports in a fairly uncompetitive way, listen to podcasts and read about social psychology. When you are occupied, there is less time to turn things over in your head. You have only one body, and it has to last a long time. You have only one brain, and it needs training. When you are tired, you dwell on things less.
10 — Have a change of scene from time to time. Every time you change departments, companies, gyms or holiday destinations, you have an opportunity to reinvent yourself and relate to new people differently. You start again from scratch. Internal change will take time, practice and probably frustration. What matters is direction, not speed.
10+1 — Try to manage sleep and anxiety/cortisol. Exercise, eating less, breathing exercises, potassium, magnesium, melatonin and ashwagandha can help. Cut out rice, bread, pastries, ice cream and sweets. Think about what helps you and what harms you. Good-looking, slim people are always treated better. Life is not as we would like it to be.
To finish, I would like to emphasise one thing: I WOULD NOT SEEK PERFECTION. I WOULD SEEK FUNCTIONALITY. You can have a tremendously satisfying life with many imperfections. Accepting yourself is the first step; adapting to your surroundings is the second.
A vampire must permanently live in a play. Acting will be difficult at first. It will soon become natural, but they will always have to be careful with their instincts.